Hope Chest

Hope, in the Bible is defined as, "Confident Expectations". I really like this because I have started something new, a Hope Chest. This was the lords idea instilled in me. I have talked to a dear friend of mine about always being on my own and how terrible it is, but here lately I have come to realize that this is the position the lord wants me to be in at this point in my life. People my age think they have to marry now and have kids. Well for me, if the lord wanted this at this point in my life I would already be there and I'm not. He spoke to my heart that by starting this hope chest was a way to keep me looking forward to what he will bring and to keep me patient while he is working on it. This definition, "Confident Expectations"is what this Hope chest is for me. I am confident that one day he will bring along the 2nd love of my life and that everything that I want will be surpassed by what he knows I need and want. So, while other other friends in my life are making plans to get married and some have kids, I will be living my life to the fullest serving the lord in everyway possible. I am very excited about this Hope chest, not sure why...I guess because it gives me something to look forward to. All I know is I will contiune to be content with who I am and how I am while the lord is working on my future. This means one less thing to worry about, which I LOVE! With this idea I give the credit to the lord because he gave me the idea and he has made the way for me to get started! I cannot wait to see what is waiting at the end of this hope chest!

*Sigh*

Tired, exhausted, worn out, weary, dog-tired, all in, bushed, drained, beaten, shatter...the list goes on and on. These words all describe what some people in my life have made me feel like. Yet, everyday I let people keep making me feel this way. Christ never said life would always be easy but it should not make you feel this way all the time. I sometimes wonder if life would be easier, or better without me in it. Or if the people who make me feel this way were not in my life, would I be happier, better? Some days I just want to throw in the towel and walk away but Christ did not and won't, so I did not see it would be right for me to. But would the Lord understand if I did walk away from these people? So many questions and I keep praying and yet I get no answers. I am being patient, but I need answers or I am going to break. Most days, I feel good, these things do not even cross my mind but other days I just want to leave everyone and everything behind, cry and then forget everything. But the funny thing about life, no matter how far you go, it follows. Some people in my life make me feel like I'm inferior...they are all about #1-themselves. But every once in awhile you find a person who is good and kind. These are the people who are rare and hard to come by and when you find one or two hang on tight, because these are the people who will never walk away from you. There is one person in my life in particular that has always walked on me, though they were better, and I am tired of this person making me feel like I am nothing. I guess they do not realize that it hurts to do people that way. A person can only be broken and chipped away at until they break and walk away. I keep wanting to believe one day the person will change but I do not see this happening any time soon and it breaks my heart because of today I think I am finished. I'm walking away, for the first time ever. I think it is best for me, because I do not want to be completely shattered to the point where it is impossible to put me back together.

Life

Ever had one of those days were you just want to disappear? Today was one of those days for me. Nothing went right and everyone was on edge. How are you suppose to deal with things like that? I know christ never said everyday would be good but why must we had bad days. I love my family but how did we get to this point. We were so close and one event happened and it seemed that it started slowly falling apart. In my dad's case, how do you get to the point in your life where you are so unhappy and not fix it? He use to smile, laugh and cut up all the time but now he is all about work, work , work. He wonders why we stay in our rooms so much, and he doesn't realize that he is always in a mood that we don't want to deal with. He wasn't always this way......we use to have so much fun but everything is so serious. I understand he is trying to support us and pay bills but that doesn't mean that he has to suck the life and fun out of everything he does. I miss the days when I was younger, things were so much easier. I just need to get away from this room....I feel like I am suffrocating. I need to get out of this town and have some fun...I need something out of the ordinary to happen in my life. Christ is everything I will every need and I know he has a plan but I can't help but wonder when does he have the extraordinary unexpected things planned to happen for me. I NEED change, I need a chance to breath, I need a chance to be me without caring what others have in mind. I need something new...I need to get back to being me and stop lettin people break me.....I want it, I need it, I will make it happen with Christs' help. In jesus name.

Happiness

Just being me....sounds simple huh? Yeah, I thought so. Being yourself, on your own is hard because you have to depend on no one but yourself but it is fun because you don't have to depend on anyone. Let me see if I can simplify this. Being single is an amazing time in life and I am enjoying every minute of it. I don't have to worry about being attached to anyone or having to care what that other person thinks and I don't have to answer to anyone. Someone I know is getting married here soon and the other day at lunch we were talking about her future husband and the past boyfriends. Well, she jumped from one guy to another with small gaps inbetween. She said she guess it happened this way because she hated/hates being alone. Well, through all this time I seen her go through heartache after another. I would rather be single than have to live with heartache. I guess you could say I haven't really had a "Serious" relationship but each thing or whatever you want to call it has left me broken and hurt. I don't like to feel pain...who does. Sometimes I feel that I have had more than my share but I know things could have been alot worse, but the lord keep me from those things and keep me through these things that have happened. Some of the things I had to face gave me a big wake up call, because I was just sleep walking doing things my way and not his way. I thought I was happy but I was just tricking myself to think that I was. Then when that happy thing was taken out of my life I tried to trick myself into thinking I was still happy and that it didn't bother me but truth is...I am happy but not as happy as I should be. I tried to make myself think that I didn't hurt, that this situation didn't hurt but it did....and does. It still bothers me. All this comes from caring sooooo much about everyone. I don't mind caring for people but when you are continually let down it makes you not want to care, but it I can't stop. Which you would say isn't a bad thing but when you feel so much you feel you can't stand to feel anymore it is agonizing. I love caring for people but only when they don't walk out on me. I have person after person say they care but they don't and walk away. But today is one of those I don't wanna feel anything because it hurts to bad. To see so much happiness come from something that you thought made you happy is making someone else happy. I am so glad this is happening for them, but what abou me? When will I really be 200% happy?? When is a good time to forget the hurt and pain instead just pretending it isn't there? I am believing in the promise of the Lord, but sometimes I wish he would hurry, but I know I can't rush his time or what he wants. So, I guess all I can do is wait on the Lord, patiently, and keep smiling when I don't want to.

Understanding and change

Understanding a something that, I believe, comes when you are truely suppose to know what it is or the question you seek understanding for. In my experience, understanding comes for when I have a trail in my life and finally at the end, after all the crying, pity parties and asking why I understand. I always say I won't let myself get in a rut like a did a few weeks ago again, but I always do. But I have decided that this time I will not. This is an important step that I have to take in my life. I do not want to be at rock bottom before I open my eyes and understand. I want to go through the trail, lean on the lord, never give up and earn understanding that way. I am listening to this song and it is so uplifting, even though, am an not facing a huge trial right now. It is call "No Matter What," and it says, "I'm running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why, No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what. When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength, No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what. Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gona need YouNo matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what." This song for me is now the anthem, if you would call it that, for my life. It took one person hurting me for me to understand that I am so much more that I give myself credit for and that I am worth so much more than that...I was just settleling because I was lonely. No more this will be part of my life. I always knew this but it took this one small trial in my life brought true understanding that I don't need that other person in my life to be who God has created me to be. I can be me and more without another person in my life. I alway tell a dear friend of mine that I am tired of being just me, but I knew this all along too, but it not just me. It is me and God. We are allies against everything that comes against me. I was reading a book, still in the process but it has helped me so much. It is for wounded and hurting women and I picked this book up the day after things excalated in my last trial because I was looking for answers to why this was happening to me. Why I was so happy, then it was ripped from me, unexpectedly. But this book help me heal and deal with pass pain that I really never got rid of. I am slowly becoming who I use to be. I was so much more than I am now, but God is shaping and molding me back to the image he wants me to be. It is amazing how such a small crisis in life can change and teach a person so much. I am stronger because I know that is what it is going to take so this doesn't happen again. I am going to have days were I will be lonely but God is always going to be there to surround me, comfort me and take away the sting of being lonely. He is my everything, all that I want. It is crazy to see how far from just a few weeks ago I have come. I look back and think that was pathetic and see me now and think, "Wow, our God is an amazing healer and comforter"....All I know is I am done being who have been this last year or so. I am putting that away and standing before God, surrendering everything and myself completely so that he can mold me. I want to be different but I know that he is the only one who can truly change me. So for now, while I am being shaped I am going to lean completely on him and never let go. He knows what he wants for me and what I need. So in his time I will find my other half. Until then, I will completely lose myself in him.

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that [my] glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever. (Psalms 30:11-12)

"Conforming to the Man?"

Every heard the saying “Conforming to the Man”? I know it is a funny saying from the movies but this is my life in a shell. I am one of those people who doing things and sacrifice things so that others can be happy. Living this way stinks sometimes. I am always doing and acting a certain way so that others will be happy with the way I am. I am so sick of being what everyone expects and wants. For once I want to be my own person, with my own thoughts, instead of thinking what others expect me to think. I am hanging on to who I am by a thread because I have spent most of my life trying to make friends and family happy. It seems I try to be what they want and act the way they think I should and it only makes things worse. People are running my life and I was always told not to let people run my life, but the funny thing is…the people who told me that are the ones who are doing the running. How can I pull myself out of this downward spiral into the abyss where I will lose myself? If I knew it would not be happening. Someone very dear to me recently told me that I am always all about me….but this is not true, because this person is always talking about themselves, their business, and how hard their life is. Now this seems backwards. Everyone has times in their lives were they are about themselves or conceited. I admit sometimes, yes I can be conceited, but this person made it were I was the bad person and acted this way all the time, which is not true either. I care for other people, that is the way the good Lord made me. I would give up everything for someone else to be happy. I put everyone else’s happiness before my own. That is what the Lord expects us to do. He wants us to put him first, family and friends second, and ourselves last. I follow this….at least I think I do. I try at least, but I am far from perfect. But hear recently, people in my life have been telling that I should dress a certain way, I do not need to color my hair, not pierce my ears….blah, blah, nag, nag, nag….that I need to be the perfect clean cut person that they expect. If these people would only look at who I actually am, instead of what they expect, they might actually like me better. Only a few people in my life actually know who I am. I found this wonderful quote that says, “Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me. You can only see what I choose to show, there’s so much more you just don’t know.” This is perfect because I only show what most people would expect….not what I actually am. This part of my life is terrible. I am cheating myself of happiness, but that brings the point back, I do this to make people happy, so they won’t be disappointed in me. Disappointment is such a harsh word. Someone does not have to say I am disappointed in you, but they can tell you this without words. I feel like my family is disappointed in my almost every day. So, I guess this is why I try so hard to make them happy….to get their attention. No more. This is the reason I am so ready to graduate. I am ready to get out of this house and live by my own rules and on my own terms. I am being smothered….do this, you cannot do that, you can’t go there….AHH! I want to do what I want, when I want. So, graduation could hurry and get here. Which for now, I am ready to get out of this house and get back to school. I think I will be finding a part time job at the school, so I can spend as much time as possible there. I feel at home at school, more than I do here at my actual home. But all in all, I am from now on going to be who I want and if people are disappointed or upset, I really don’t care. People need to stop making people “Conform to the Man” and let people be who the lord made them to be. We need to step out and stop being what the world expects. “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” This is a new day and a new me. If you don’t like who I am, I really don’t care…you can deal with it! Be blessed!

Strength vs Weakness

Being strong, in my family, is apparently a must. Strong in my definition of things means to be able to withstand powerful things. Weakness is by my definition, or so I have been raised to believe, is meaning to fail at something. I hate both of these definitions! These have only been instilled in my because that is the way my family thinks we should be. It isn't always good for a person to be strong, in my opinion. I know I strive so hard to be all the time but as I get older and realize the reality of things in the world around me, I realize being strong all the time is not possible. But yet we all try. I once told my best friend that I hate to cry in front of people because it feels like weakness and we are suppose to be strong. She told me that being strong means that you can cry in front of people and not feel weak. But as my family has lead me to believe that there is no place for weakness in my life. If they want to live that way, I guess go ahead. I know the lord will caught me when I fall. I think that being weak keeps us humble in the lords eyes. Come to think of, I believe the reason Christians are taught to be strong is so that the world would want to live for Christ. The world is much easier to live in. Living for Christ is not easy and some days I want to live in the world because things would be easier, but I know that is something I cannot do. Christ is my everything...he is everything I am. He never promised things would be easy but he did promise to be there through everything and he understands that we are human and that we will fail and fall sometimes. We, as humans, think we must be perfect at all times. That we must fit into every ones idea of perfect....this CANNOT and WILL NOT happen. Someone is always going to fall short....but the way I look at it, no one is perfect so we all fall short. Anyways, back to my main point, I think strength is something that is called for in sometimes but can also be forgot at times. Today, I found out a scholarship I had applied for was denied. Of course I was/am heartbroken, because I needed to it finish my schooling, so yeah I am a girl...I cry and I did....well someone near me said that I quote, "Suck it up and move on. There is no sense in crying over something so stupid." This person I looked up to as a young girl, and this breaks my heart, but now I see someone who has expectations of what I should be...the person I cannot be. This person, I use to follow ever step and I find myself feeling as if they don't care....that I have disappointed them. This is the person that I feel that I have to be strong so that I won't embarrass them or disappoint them. All they are doing is pushing me further away. Anyways, I heard a song that has helped me understand not getting this scholarship....weird, I know. I know it was something I needed but this song explains it. The chorus says this, " Make no mistake, every prayer you pray get answered, even though, sometimes, the answer is no.." This song is the most amazing song I've heard because we get caught up in things we want or need and just expect it to be handed over and sometimes it is best if the answer is no. Yes, I am talking to myself too. I know I need this scholarship and I don't understand why I didn't get it because I prayed like crazy and had the qualifications needed but it was no. Sometimes, even though, there is silence on the other side of our prayers we must believe which ever way things happen it was what the Lord thought was best. Sometimes we have to lose things to appreciate what we have and don't need...not only money wise but in other areas of our lives, but that is another story for another time. Strength vs weakness....which is less important?? Most people would say weakness, but I say strength. Because the only way to get strong is to face weakness....a weakness comes in a variety of things, such as, people, food, finding comfort in different things and people. In our weakness we are made strong by the lord. During the weakness trails in our lives is when the lord teaches us lessons. SO, if someone ever tells you to stop being weak....don't. Never know what you will learn in this weakness point in your life. I always thought these points in my life were punishments for things that I had done wrong. I am still not sure this isn't true but I hope not.

And Jesus said, "Come to the water; stand by my side.I know you are thirsty. You won't be denied.I felt every teardrop, when in darkness you cried.And I strove to remind you, that for those tears I died."

Be blessed until next time. :)

Wounded

Have you ever been wounded deeply (emotionally, mentally, spiritually)? I have....I am. The current trial in my life is painful. It did not hurt at first but now my heart feels as if it has been ripped out of my chest. I feel I am being smothered....that I cannot get enough air to live. Why is this trial so hard?....Because things are being left undone. A persons heart can only be ripped out once, or so I thought. This is the second time and almost the same situation. I thought I was OK, and I was handling everything very well but then crash things turned for the worst. It started with a dream. I was standing in front of this person looking up at them, not saying anything...just silence, and they had this look of anguish on their face. Like I had done or said something to cause such pain. I woke up and was immediately in tears...this hurt. It hurt me to know that I could have wounded this person. I want to just make things right and I will not be given the chance. I feel like I am alone. I have many great friends that are willing to help and give advice but some trials you cannot let them help you carry. I am reading this book called "Wounded Woman," and it says that your friends and family can offer support and advice but God is the only one who knows all the details to your pain, guilt and shame. Isaiah 42:16- "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the tough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." I believe this with my whole heart. I know he will never lead me and he will guide me through this pain I feel. I sit here and read this book and feel the tears just stream down my face. From page one I have not stopped crying. I know that I was meant to find this book. While it is talking about guilt and pain which is what I feel, I feel that this situation is all my fault. This part of the book touched my heart...."If Jesus was to meet with you face-to-face in the safety of your living room, He would do everything possible to reassure you. I imagine him saying something like: I know about all of those things you've never mentioned to a soul. I was there when you made those mistakes...and I took the punishment for you. I'm fully aware of your poor decisions, and I've already paid the penalty. Your debt has been canceled.I suffered and died so you wouldn't have to bear the burden of your shame. Lay your bags of guilt at the foot of My cross. I have already forgiven you. Learn from what went wrong, and move on. Allow My wounds to serve their purpose. Receive My gift of forgiveness. Entrust your heat to Me. I will carefully mend it piece by piece...". This made me think about my life. I may feel pain but if I just hand my situation to him he will fight for me and he will heal me in the process. He will fight for what is best for me...I just have to trust him. In this book it talks about when Moses lead the people to the seas. It says that he hushed the crowd and said: " Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you....The Lord himself will fight for you. You don't have to lift a finger in your defense." (Exodus 14:13-14). This gives me comfort in knowing that I have a great God on my side who cares enough to fight for me. I need this because right now I am so weak. But in my weakness he is made strong. These trials may bring sorrow in my life but "Sorrow hurts, but it doesn't harm.It slows us down and gives us the opportunity to seriously think about our priorities...". The pain from our sorrow drives us deep into darkness where only God can reach us. All I know is I have to forgive what has happened. It says in Luke 6:37- "If you forgive others, you will before forgiven." In this part of the book it speaks of a crowd of people bring a woman to the stoning place and men picking up rocks, ready to throw. I feel like I am this woman about to be stoned. That is the point where the Lord steps in and says" Let those who have never sinned throw the first stone (John 8:7)". It gives a description of what happened: "Faces fell. Hands loosened their grip. Rocks dropped. Sandaled feet left, one by one. All was silent." This is what the lord will do for me. But for now I am still standing in the middle waiting for them to throw the rocks. My heart has experience so much pain in the last 3 years and things were going great and then Bam!, I am buried under the rubble waiting to be rescued. I know My Lord will rescue me in his time. So, for now I sit waiting buried, smothering in my pain and hurt that I might have caused. I pray that this person would forgive me and come back to being my friend. To much to ask?....at this moment, yes.

Will You Save Me?

Brokenhearted is by definition: crushed by sorrow, grief, or disappointment; inconsolable. Every felt this way? Isn't funny how your day can start off with rainbows, sunshine, and blue skies, then turns to grey clouds, rain and then finally ends in diaster, which brings disappointment. I'm having one of those days. Today, as day has turned to night, things have broken me. Being broken is a terrible way to feel. I have been shattered before and I am not sure my heart and soul have been completely pieced back together. I wish I had never been broken in the first place, but that was inevitable. I care about people and things tooooooooo much. My heart can hold so much love for people that it hurts sometimes. Somedays I wish I could be one of those people who do not care but then I know that I would be cold and numb. Somedays I wish to be numb to some feelings....this would make it were there was no pain. As I sit here and write this I cannot help but think about how one day in heaven we will no longer feel pain, sorrow, grief, or disappointment. Somethings in life can be going so well then one day out of the blue, just end or fall apart. Why? I wish I knew. If I did I would not let it happen. Ever. I know what makes us weak can also make us stronger once we overcome it. Somethings can break a person so much they turn into someone who they never thought they would become. This has happened to me. I was happy, I think. Or maybe I convinced myself I was. Somedays I love who I have become...other days, I despise my own reflection. Wish I could say this does not happen often, but that would be a lie. Seems the more steps I take to were the lord wants me to be, the more it hurts. I know it is the devil trying to fight me...but I'm tired. I am tired of hurting. I have surrendered it all to the Lord but what does it bring, more....borkenheartedness. I want to be whole, but I think sometimes a heart can be broken so many times it cannot be mended anymore. When it is put back together, it is full of holes and scuff marks. Even though, my heart is broken....I still feel with the little pieces in a big way. I love to feel for others, but this leads to pain most of the time....except for the few exceptions. It feels as if I care for people who do not care about me. I just want someone to care about me. A person can only give so much and not recieve anything. I know it is better to give than recieve, but I am talking about love. You can only give so much until you have none left because you have not been loved yourself. This is the point were people quit caring. I do not want this to be me. I do not want to be cold, withdrawn, lonely, or numb. Something in my life has to give. Living this way 24/7 cannot continue....or I fear one day I will find myself in a place (not physically) that I would be completely lost (not spiritually-emotionally and mentally). I hanging on by a thread. I save people when they are about to be lost, but.....Who is going to save me?

How BIG is our God!

When you think of "The Beach" what is the first thing that comes to mind. Water? Fun? Sand? Seashells? When I think of the beach, I think of peace. Peace is something that is hard to come by these days. Everything in our lives is so chaotic and unsettling. I waded out waist deep in water and let the waves hit me. The feeling of something coming towards you that you cannot control is scary but also, in away, a rush. I loved the feeling of the waves wanting to carry me away. I found I feel at home on the beach, where anything feels possible. We watched the sun lay itself to rest and the moon come out to say hello to the small world below. I watched the color of the sun fade away slowing, the clouds changing from red-orange to gray to black. The stars popped out one by one, twinkling so far above for the world to see. The moons glaze hit the waves and as they slowly rolled aways its glaze it showed it again on the next way. It looked as if glitter from the heavens had been poured into the ocean. The waves slowly crashed over and over. The roaring sound never ceased. As I set in the water near the shoreline, I let my toes and fingers sink into the sand, so cool, so wet, so peaceful. I pick up a handful of sand out of the water and think our God created all of this. The small handful of sand that I held was thousands and thousands of years of eternity. They say that if a bird were to carry all the sand on earth to the moon, one grain at a time, and back, that is how long eternity would be. I look forward to spending that long in the place our Lord went away to prepare for us. It was truly a God moment to sit on this shore, to watch and feel the Lord's creation. It felt so natural, even though it something so foreign to me. While sitting there I had no worries, no thoughts of things to come, not thinking of home or anyone but how amazing God's creation is. Our world is so vast and God created every bit of it. He placed every grain of sand in the spot he thought it should be. He made the wind that makes the waves, the clouds that cross the moon and sun, and bodies of water in the places he knew would be best. A song that is familiar to me says this in the beginning...."He counts the stars one and all, he knows how much sand is on the shore, he sees every sparrow that falls. He made the mountains and the seas, he's in control of everything. Of all creatures great and small. He knows me name, every step that I take, every move that I make, every tear that I cry. He knows name." This song is so beautiful and has so much meaning. He knows every thought you have, every breath you take, and every step you take. If you think about how many people live on this earth....he knows all this to EVERY person. Now I don't know about you but that to me makes our God GINORMOUS! How someone could not believe he is real is beyond me. Just open your eyes and look at what he has created...I don't think a big boom of chemicals can produce things so complex and amazing. Just stop and look around.....Have you seen how big our God is lately?

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Long car rides+memories+fun+hotels+family=family vacations. We are in San Antonio and later heading to the coast of Texas (Corpus Christi). This vacation has been fun so far. But they say Home is where the Heart is.....well mine is still at Home. I miss home already and we have only been gone a few days and will be gone for like 5 or 6 more days. I love going on vacation....it is very relaxing but I miss everything familiar. I feel completely out of my element here. It seems as if people can look at you and know that you are not from that place. Also, I miss people back home and my bed :) Anyways, everything down here in Texas is so fast pace. Everyone is in such a hurry to get where they want to go...it is wild! It has been fun seeing things I have not seen before though. Today, we went to the riverwalk and it was beautiful! Tomorrow we are going to seaworld, more riverwalk, and the alamo. No matter how much I miss home or the people there.....I am going to have fun!

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown

Night brings Peace

I am sitting on the roof watching the clouds roll in and erasing what is left of the day sky and the stars that have come out. in the distances I can see the red glow of lights from the city. I can feel the wind on my face and running through my hair. I hear the frogs and crickets singing their song....aww the sweet sounds of summer. The air tonight is cool and it swirls around me and I feel at peace. When I was younger I lived by the interstate. It was so loud day and night, you could barely hear your own thoughts because of semi's blowing tires and people honking. As I sit on the roof of our home now....I can hear everything but the blowing of tires and honking horns. I hear wind chimes chiming their song in the night air....I hear and see the most beautiful part of earth our Lord created for us to enjoy. As I watch the clouds roll in, I wait in anticipation of the rain that will follow these dark black clouds. I can't wait to hear the soft tapping of the small water droplets on the metal roof. This would bring me peace. My mind is running and reeling with thoughts of things to come, things that have happened, and just thoughts of special people in my life, and my future. I am at peace when I can sit on the roof and watch the day fade as the night comes in. How i love to be out here and listen to the music being made mby the wind and animals and to hear no thoughts just the simple tapping of the keys of my computer waiting to see what they have to say next. I love feeling the wind on my face.....it brings peace to my soul and heart...not a care in the world. I sit here and watch the stars peak through the clouds and I wish upon them for things to happen. It may sound childish but it can bring peace to your heart about matters of the heart and mind. It gives you hope that these things could happen. The stars gives us hope which brings faith that it will happen, in turn brings love...the thing we all long to happen. The stars make me feel, when I wish on them, that they have the answer I am looking for. Our God created the stars for us and I believe he was hoping the stars would give us the hope and belief that anything can happen no matter what, we just need a little faith.

The simple things in life

As I wake up this morning, I lay here watching the ceiling fan spin and I think this is one of the best things in life. I finally roll out of bed walk down the stairs and hear all the sounds of our house-popping, cracking, as if it is too just waking up. I hear mom in the kitchen cooking breakfast and the tapping of paws going across the kitchen floor from Beau (our dog) following her around the kitchen waiting for her to drop something so he can eat it. All these things remind me of my childhood. Waking up on a Saturday to the smell of bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy. How I long for these days back, even if just for a day. So that I can remember what it was like to be carefree with not a worry in the world, except if the cousins could come out and play. No worries but who was going to play the teacher while playing pretend school. I miss these days but I remember thinking I wish I would hurry and grow up so I could do grown up things and now I look at my life and think I wish it would slow down. I graduate from college in a year and then my whole life starts...it is scary because I will no longer pretending to be a teacher but I will be a teacher. I get the feeling now that I am about to graduate my whole life is set in stone-never to change. I have come to realize this is not true. My life from here on out is ever changing. I am stepping into a whole new world when I get out of school. I will truly become an adult....become my own person. The simple things in life are all around us....inside, outside, and the people in your life. I just love having the simple things all around me-the way being outside makes you feel free, the stars make you feel as if your dreams can come true, the sound of crickets sound like a symphony and just the times of spending time with family. I love the simple things in life and no matter how complicated things get all the little things in life can turn around a bad day. Don't forget to be thankful for all the wonderful simple things God has place in our lives.

On my mind, Constantly

Here lately I have had someone on my mind, constantly. I go to bed thinking about them, wake up thinking about them...almost every second of everyday I think about them. I remember the times we had, all the fun. All the times we laughed, talked, and just sat in silence-just being with each other....it was wonderful. But they are on my mind alot. This person doesn't know that I care this much. At one point along time ago, I cared for this person a lot. Things were complicated then, and I got scared of what would happen, so, I stopped it. Back then what was happening was wrong for me at the time...and I think I was hurting others in this time. I felt like a terrible person. These days, I am talking to this person every so often and I am right back where I was a few years ago. I wonder if things would have worked then, if not, would they work now? I think I would like to try and see. But how do I tell this person that. I don't want to get my heart broken but I don't want things to go unsaid. I am scared to tell this person anything of that sort. I have always like this person and never really go the chance to see how things would go with us, but now will it be the same. How would I tell this person I want a chance? This person makes me nervous anyway...always has. But in a good way. Maybe things will turn out ok....whatever it may be. Just going to keep on praying and believeing that things are going to turn out ride-whatever God's will may be.

Happy 4th of July! Don't forget our soliders who fought for our freedom! Don't forget freedom comes through salvation of christ!

What I use to be

Isn't it funny when you are surrounded by a crowd of people, yet you feel so completely alone?...I have, I am. I am going through the motions of life, happiness, and love. I am on autopilot. I use to be so outgoing and fun, now I am withdrawn from people and boring because I am afraid to even care for the people that care about me. Yes, there are a few exceptions to this. There are a few people that I actually let into my life. These people I know are dear friends and will not judge me, will support me, and not care how much I change. They are always there, always loving me...yet I still feel all alone. I want to be the person I use to be, but things I have been through have changed me, and I long to be the fun, cool, outgoing person I use to be. I want to be involved with people, I want to love again but I am too scared. I guess on autopilot I pretend to care. I guess you could say I am numb. My heart is numb from being scared. I this comes from people treating me badly, having bad things happen, and being hurt through every good thing I try to do. With every good thing I did along comes 10 bad things. Why? I have no idea. If i did I would change things. I have been in a shelter all my life and I never get one inch of breathing room. When I do, I feel guilty about it.....and I could have never done anything wrong. I want to do things wrong sometimes on the spot to just get in trouble, but I did I would feel guilty. I just live a guilty, lifeless life. How do I change? How can I become the person I was and stay the person I am? I like some of my personality traits now but the some I wish I still had from back in the day. I have always tried to be what people wanted and I changed so much I am to the place where I am today. I want to change back, to become the person I changed from that I thought no one liked. I don't care what people like or what they want me to be. I want to be what I want to be and what God wants me to be. Things will be different....they have to be different for me to be happy again. People may not like what I will become but I don't care as long as I am happy. As in my last post, I can't love someone when I am broken and withdrawn like I am. That is why I am looking for the person I am meant to be with, so maybe they can help me get back to myself. Learn to love another person, to care for some genuinely. I want to love easily again, instead of having to make myself love someone-to trust them enough to let them in. To be completely open and tell my feelings to someone is my goal. To love and have happiness is what I long for. No more living in a glass case, or placing my heart and emotions in a box. I have a big heart and I care to much and that is what has made me so numb towards feelings of my own. I've been lying to myself about my feelings. No more will I lie to myself, I will try my best to love, care, and be happy towards people. I want to be this way. To live carefree. To finally be whole and completely happy.

Waiting for You

Ever feel alone or that you seem to cease to exist to some people? I do....especially today. I have felt really lonely today. It seems that I have a void that I can't fill. I have Christ and he fills every part of my heart and soul, but it see like something is missing. It feels like a piece of me is missing and I am searching for it but have not found it yet. When will I find it? Or will I ever find it? I want something to look forward to every morning I wake up, someone to look forward to seeing. I have been looking through old photos and I see how happy my parents were when they first got married and when they had each of us (their kids). I want to feel that happiness. I want someone to actually care if I exist, to love me when no one else does, to hold me when things get overwhelming and tell me it is gonna be OK. I know this is not gonna happen until the Lord decides it is my time. I do not wanna go from one person to the next...trying to find the person I am meant to be with. I want the lord to send me the right one this next time, because I am tired of my heart being broken. Not sure how much would be left it is was broken many more times. To me every time you get your heart broken a piece of you is chipped away, never to get it back. The lord can heal but the flesh can always feel the heartbreak. Everyone has felt heartbreak and I think that when you find your other half, your hearts will go together and be one. That is what I want feel....I want to feel completely whole again. But will this ever happen for me? I know when the time is right, or this is what friends and family tell me, but I am not getting any younger. I know I am not that old but I guess I see everyone around me that are 2 and 3 yrs younger and they are married, already having kids....so, they got their happy ending, where is mine? All I feel I can't really talk to anyone about, because all I get is the time isn't right, maybe they are not ready, maybe your not ready....I know all this. I know God has a plan for me....I'm just tired of waiting...I know I have to have patience when it comes to this, because I do not want to make a mistake in this area of my life. As I spoke in my first post, I struggle with loneliness, but some days are worse than others. Today has been one of those days. I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. I hope I don't have to feel this way much longer, because I am ready to find my other half, so that I can be whole again. I am ready to stop getting heartbroken and getting my hopes up believing in guys that keep letting me down. Some past relationships I thought this could work, I could see myself with this person and then I turn around and they decide they don't need me or want me, so I get kicked to the curb again. Heartbreak can put a person in a shell, build walls so people can't get in. I am too afraid to actually care for someone because I don't want to feel pain...I don't want to be hurt. I keep my feelings boxed up, not to share with anyone, because the less people know, the less they want to help you because they feel sorry for you. All the pain, betrayal, and heartbreak can cause a person to even block out the people (friends and family) that actually care. Because you don't even want to let the, because of them hurting you too. I don't let people get to close because of this....when they try I push. I smile and say everything is fine. I want to actually smile and say everything is alright, because it is the truth, not because I want people to think everything is alright. One day, hopefully not far, the person the Lord has created to be my other half will come along and make things whole, to stop all the heartbreak, to feel the other half of my heart......to actually, genuinely love me. Until this happens, all I can do it wait, wait for you.....as long as it takes.

God's Grace

Last night I flipped on the TV and a sermon was starting on this channel so I decided to listen and wow what a moving message. He talked about God’s grace in our life. How God’s grace will be in every season of our life, good or bad. When we look at an obstacle and think….I don’t think I can do this is, God’s grace will come upon you and give you the strength or peace or whatever it may be that you need to make it through that problem in your life. We need to remember that no matter what we face or how big it is that God’s grace is being in the palm of God’s hand. I am so glad our Lord is faithful and he will do what he says he will. 2 Thessalonians 3:3- But the lord is faithful and shall stablish you and keep you from evil. I am so glad that our God no matter what will always get to us on time in our time of need and his grace will be there to help give us what we need. 2 Corinthians 12:9- …my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength Is made perfect in weakness. Through everything his grace will be there and his grace is an enabler. It enables us to do things that we didn’t or don’t think that we can accomplish. We need to stop looking at the future and worrying about the things that we don’t think we will be able to do because if we stay in faith now then when that season comes God’s grace will abound. It is amazing to know that we have an unfailing god who loves us no matter what condition we are in. When things in life go wrong, just take hold of his promises, that you can do all things through Christ, and just stay in faith his grace is going to come in and reward you for the right choices and decisions you make in this season. Know that his grace will give you peace through all this. John 14:27- Peace I leave with you, my peace I give into you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Just knowing that through everything I will face someone will be there when everyone has left me or cannot be there or don’t understand. This message really spoke to my heart and gave me hope to keep with me when I see an obstacle that I think I won’t be able to face, I know that I can because of God’s Grace. It is awesome to know that I am highly favored by God.

Rainbows

I had an God moment tonight as we celebrated my best friends birthday. We were swimming in the cool even air, the sunsetting and scattering light across the clouds that brought a much needed rain, I thought wow our God created all this in just 5 days. It never ceases to amazing me at what beauty he created just for us to enjoy. As I lay in a tube watching the sky, we saw a rainbow appear across the sky. It did not reach the ground but it is still amazing to see something that you cannot see all the time show up and out. This kind of reminds me of our lord, we know he is there, he can be seen in things and the beauty around us but not directly. To my a rainbow symbolizes not only his promise not to flood the earth but also his reminder to just remember that he is there even though some days you cannot see him....he is always there and he reveals himself at the right time...just like a rainbow does not come out till before or after the rain to show him promise. It is so amazing to me how something so small but yet so beauty can make an impact on a life. A rainbow is something everyone will see in their life and will always talk about when they do, to anyone. We as Christians and need to do this with our faith (myself included). We need to tell everyone about Christ like we tell everyone about rainbows. Wow, think about it, what an impact.

Rainbows are so pure and beautiful. They are filled with life and can bring dreams, even for adults. Just like in the Wizard of Oz, Somewhere over the Rainbow....such a beautiful song with so much meaning. A place were all dreams and all hopes come true. Our lord created amazing things such as rainbows, sunsets, sunrises, and rain....our Lord controls all creation. But as we swam, I thought, Wow, how great his love must have been for him to create all these beautiful and wonderful things for us to enjoy daily. Our God is amazing and loves us with an unended love. Oh how I love to sit in amazement of what he can do and has done in my life and everyone our me. :)

Sacred Singleness

I have recently started reading a book given to me by a dear friend called "Sacred Singleness". I struggle with loneliness daily. I see all my friends and people around me (especially younger) getting married and feel as if I am being watched and pressured to find my soul mate. Our world is so centered on finding the other person to make them complete, but as I read this book it makes it clear that Jesus Christ wants to be the center of my life and with him I should stand complete, lacking nothing. I believe this with my whole heart. Up until I started reading this book I prayed every night and every day that he would send me my husband, but this book has opened my eyes to see that I need to completely surround myself in Christ and when it is the right time he will send an earthly love like no other. Stepping out of all of my fleshly wants and into what Christ wants in my life is a huge step of faith. It is scary to let someone else have control of your life, but this is what I believe and know that I have to do this, so that I can have complete peace about being single. Recently, one of friends trying to get me and another friend to date and every time we hung out together as a group, things were awkward. I knew many things about him and it seemed he was everything I could ever want in someone. He continued to tell my friend he was not ready to start a relationship yet, but I still continue to hope and pray that the lord would change this young man's heart, soul and mind. But as I read this book and pray about it, the more I realize, the lord does not think I am ready to have a relationship right now. This time of singleness is to be a servant for him...to center my life in him completely. He has given me this time to grow in my ministry, knowledge, wisdom, and my daily walk. I continue to pray and want someone to share my life with but I want it to be at the time Christ has planned. Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end." I know that my Lord has an amazing plan for me and the he has written an earthly love story that will be amazing as it unfolds. I look forward to the day I can stand before Christ, my family, friends, and the church and know that my Lord created this other person and has molded me and them to fit perfectly together, to further his kingdom. I will continue to seek and pray but in a different way...not so much praying for the other person in my life but that as this other person is in this season of singleness that they too would be building Christ at the center of their life.

Ephesians 1:23- ...the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

"God has made us for Himself, and our hearts can never know rest and perfect satisfaction until they find it in Him." ~ Hannah Hurnard