What I use to be

Isn't it funny when you are surrounded by a crowd of people, yet you feel so completely alone?...I have, I am. I am going through the motions of life, happiness, and love. I am on autopilot. I use to be so outgoing and fun, now I am withdrawn from people and boring because I am afraid to even care for the people that care about me. Yes, there are a few exceptions to this. There are a few people that I actually let into my life. These people I know are dear friends and will not judge me, will support me, and not care how much I change. They are always there, always loving me...yet I still feel all alone. I want to be the person I use to be, but things I have been through have changed me, and I long to be the fun, cool, outgoing person I use to be. I want to be involved with people, I want to love again but I am too scared. I guess on autopilot I pretend to care. I guess you could say I am numb. My heart is numb from being scared. I this comes from people treating me badly, having bad things happen, and being hurt through every good thing I try to do. With every good thing I did along comes 10 bad things. Why? I have no idea. If i did I would change things. I have been in a shelter all my life and I never get one inch of breathing room. When I do, I feel guilty about it.....and I could have never done anything wrong. I want to do things wrong sometimes on the spot to just get in trouble, but I did I would feel guilty. I just live a guilty, lifeless life. How do I change? How can I become the person I was and stay the person I am? I like some of my personality traits now but the some I wish I still had from back in the day. I have always tried to be what people wanted and I changed so much I am to the place where I am today. I want to change back, to become the person I changed from that I thought no one liked. I don't care what people like or what they want me to be. I want to be what I want to be and what God wants me to be. Things will be different....they have to be different for me to be happy again. People may not like what I will become but I don't care as long as I am happy. As in my last post, I can't love someone when I am broken and withdrawn like I am. That is why I am looking for the person I am meant to be with, so maybe they can help me get back to myself. Learn to love another person, to care for some genuinely. I want to love easily again, instead of having to make myself love someone-to trust them enough to let them in. To be completely open and tell my feelings to someone is my goal. To love and have happiness is what I long for. No more living in a glass case, or placing my heart and emotions in a box. I have a big heart and I care to much and that is what has made me so numb towards feelings of my own. I've been lying to myself about my feelings. No more will I lie to myself, I will try my best to love, care, and be happy towards people. I want to be this way. To live carefree. To finally be whole and completely happy.