Happiness

Just being me....sounds simple huh? Yeah, I thought so. Being yourself, on your own is hard because you have to depend on no one but yourself but it is fun because you don't have to depend on anyone. Let me see if I can simplify this. Being single is an amazing time in life and I am enjoying every minute of it. I don't have to worry about being attached to anyone or having to care what that other person thinks and I don't have to answer to anyone. Someone I know is getting married here soon and the other day at lunch we were talking about her future husband and the past boyfriends. Well, she jumped from one guy to another with small gaps inbetween. She said she guess it happened this way because she hated/hates being alone. Well, through all this time I seen her go through heartache after another. I would rather be single than have to live with heartache. I guess you could say I haven't really had a "Serious" relationship but each thing or whatever you want to call it has left me broken and hurt. I don't like to feel pain...who does. Sometimes I feel that I have had more than my share but I know things could have been alot worse, but the lord keep me from those things and keep me through these things that have happened. Some of the things I had to face gave me a big wake up call, because I was just sleep walking doing things my way and not his way. I thought I was happy but I was just tricking myself to think that I was. Then when that happy thing was taken out of my life I tried to trick myself into thinking I was still happy and that it didn't bother me but truth is...I am happy but not as happy as I should be. I tried to make myself think that I didn't hurt, that this situation didn't hurt but it did....and does. It still bothers me. All this comes from caring sooooo much about everyone. I don't mind caring for people but when you are continually let down it makes you not want to care, but it I can't stop. Which you would say isn't a bad thing but when you feel so much you feel you can't stand to feel anymore it is agonizing. I love caring for people but only when they don't walk out on me. I have person after person say they care but they don't and walk away. But today is one of those I don't wanna feel anything because it hurts to bad. To see so much happiness come from something that you thought made you happy is making someone else happy. I am so glad this is happening for them, but what abou me? When will I really be 200% happy?? When is a good time to forget the hurt and pain instead just pretending it isn't there? I am believing in the promise of the Lord, but sometimes I wish he would hurry, but I know I can't rush his time or what he wants. So, I guess all I can do is wait on the Lord, patiently, and keep smiling when I don't want to.