Wounded

Have you ever been wounded deeply (emotionally, mentally, spiritually)? I have....I am. The current trial in my life is painful. It did not hurt at first but now my heart feels as if it has been ripped out of my chest. I feel I am being smothered....that I cannot get enough air to live. Why is this trial so hard?....Because things are being left undone. A persons heart can only be ripped out once, or so I thought. This is the second time and almost the same situation. I thought I was OK, and I was handling everything very well but then crash things turned for the worst. It started with a dream. I was standing in front of this person looking up at them, not saying anything...just silence, and they had this look of anguish on their face. Like I had done or said something to cause such pain. I woke up and was immediately in tears...this hurt. It hurt me to know that I could have wounded this person. I want to just make things right and I will not be given the chance. I feel like I am alone. I have many great friends that are willing to help and give advice but some trials you cannot let them help you carry. I am reading this book called "Wounded Woman," and it says that your friends and family can offer support and advice but God is the only one who knows all the details to your pain, guilt and shame. Isaiah 42:16- "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the tough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." I believe this with my whole heart. I know he will never lead me and he will guide me through this pain I feel. I sit here and read this book and feel the tears just stream down my face. From page one I have not stopped crying. I know that I was meant to find this book. While it is talking about guilt and pain which is what I feel, I feel that this situation is all my fault. This part of the book touched my heart...."If Jesus was to meet with you face-to-face in the safety of your living room, He would do everything possible to reassure you. I imagine him saying something like: I know about all of those things you've never mentioned to a soul. I was there when you made those mistakes...and I took the punishment for you. I'm fully aware of your poor decisions, and I've already paid the penalty. Your debt has been canceled.I suffered and died so you wouldn't have to bear the burden of your shame. Lay your bags of guilt at the foot of My cross. I have already forgiven you. Learn from what went wrong, and move on. Allow My wounds to serve their purpose. Receive My gift of forgiveness. Entrust your heat to Me. I will carefully mend it piece by piece...". This made me think about my life. I may feel pain but if I just hand my situation to him he will fight for me and he will heal me in the process. He will fight for what is best for me...I just have to trust him. In this book it talks about when Moses lead the people to the seas. It says that he hushed the crowd and said: " Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you....The Lord himself will fight for you. You don't have to lift a finger in your defense." (Exodus 14:13-14). This gives me comfort in knowing that I have a great God on my side who cares enough to fight for me. I need this because right now I am so weak. But in my weakness he is made strong. These trials may bring sorrow in my life but "Sorrow hurts, but it doesn't harm.It slows us down and gives us the opportunity to seriously think about our priorities...". The pain from our sorrow drives us deep into darkness where only God can reach us. All I know is I have to forgive what has happened. It says in Luke 6:37- "If you forgive others, you will before forgiven." In this part of the book it speaks of a crowd of people bring a woman to the stoning place and men picking up rocks, ready to throw. I feel like I am this woman about to be stoned. That is the point where the Lord steps in and says" Let those who have never sinned throw the first stone (John 8:7)". It gives a description of what happened: "Faces fell. Hands loosened their grip. Rocks dropped. Sandaled feet left, one by one. All was silent." This is what the lord will do for me. But for now I am still standing in the middle waiting for them to throw the rocks. My heart has experience so much pain in the last 3 years and things were going great and then Bam!, I am buried under the rubble waiting to be rescued. I know My Lord will rescue me in his time. So, for now I sit waiting buried, smothering in my pain and hurt that I might have caused. I pray that this person would forgive me and come back to being my friend. To much to ask?....at this moment, yes.