"Conforming to the Man?"

Every heard the saying “Conforming to the Man”? I know it is a funny saying from the movies but this is my life in a shell. I am one of those people who doing things and sacrifice things so that others can be happy. Living this way stinks sometimes. I am always doing and acting a certain way so that others will be happy with the way I am. I am so sick of being what everyone expects and wants. For once I want to be my own person, with my own thoughts, instead of thinking what others expect me to think. I am hanging on to who I am by a thread because I have spent most of my life trying to make friends and family happy. It seems I try to be what they want and act the way they think I should and it only makes things worse. People are running my life and I was always told not to let people run my life, but the funny thing is…the people who told me that are the ones who are doing the running. How can I pull myself out of this downward spiral into the abyss where I will lose myself? If I knew it would not be happening. Someone very dear to me recently told me that I am always all about me….but this is not true, because this person is always talking about themselves, their business, and how hard their life is. Now this seems backwards. Everyone has times in their lives were they are about themselves or conceited. I admit sometimes, yes I can be conceited, but this person made it were I was the bad person and acted this way all the time, which is not true either. I care for other people, that is the way the good Lord made me. I would give up everything for someone else to be happy. I put everyone else’s happiness before my own. That is what the Lord expects us to do. He wants us to put him first, family and friends second, and ourselves last. I follow this….at least I think I do. I try at least, but I am far from perfect. But hear recently, people in my life have been telling that I should dress a certain way, I do not need to color my hair, not pierce my ears….blah, blah, nag, nag, nag….that I need to be the perfect clean cut person that they expect. If these people would only look at who I actually am, instead of what they expect, they might actually like me better. Only a few people in my life actually know who I am. I found this wonderful quote that says, “Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me. You can only see what I choose to show, there’s so much more you just don’t know.” This is perfect because I only show what most people would expect….not what I actually am. This part of my life is terrible. I am cheating myself of happiness, but that brings the point back, I do this to make people happy, so they won’t be disappointed in me. Disappointment is such a harsh word. Someone does not have to say I am disappointed in you, but they can tell you this without words. I feel like my family is disappointed in my almost every day. So, I guess this is why I try so hard to make them happy….to get their attention. No more. This is the reason I am so ready to graduate. I am ready to get out of this house and live by my own rules and on my own terms. I am being smothered….do this, you cannot do that, you can’t go there….AHH! I want to do what I want, when I want. So, graduation could hurry and get here. Which for now, I am ready to get out of this house and get back to school. I think I will be finding a part time job at the school, so I can spend as much time as possible there. I feel at home at school, more than I do here at my actual home. But all in all, I am from now on going to be who I want and if people are disappointed or upset, I really don’t care. People need to stop making people “Conform to the Man” and let people be who the lord made them to be. We need to step out and stop being what the world expects. “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” This is a new day and a new me. If you don’t like who I am, I really don’t care…you can deal with it! Be blessed!