Understanding and change

Understanding a something that, I believe, comes when you are truely suppose to know what it is or the question you seek understanding for. In my experience, understanding comes for when I have a trail in my life and finally at the end, after all the crying, pity parties and asking why I understand. I always say I won't let myself get in a rut like a did a few weeks ago again, but I always do. But I have decided that this time I will not. This is an important step that I have to take in my life. I do not want to be at rock bottom before I open my eyes and understand. I want to go through the trail, lean on the lord, never give up and earn understanding that way. I am listening to this song and it is so uplifting, even though, am an not facing a huge trial right now. It is call "No Matter What," and it says, "I'm running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why, No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what. When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength, No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what. Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gona need YouNo matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what." This song for me is now the anthem, if you would call it that, for my life. It took one person hurting me for me to understand that I am so much more that I give myself credit for and that I am worth so much more than that...I was just settleling because I was lonely. No more this will be part of my life. I always knew this but it took this one small trial in my life brought true understanding that I don't need that other person in my life to be who God has created me to be. I can be me and more without another person in my life. I alway tell a dear friend of mine that I am tired of being just me, but I knew this all along too, but it not just me. It is me and God. We are allies against everything that comes against me. I was reading a book, still in the process but it has helped me so much. It is for wounded and hurting women and I picked this book up the day after things excalated in my last trial because I was looking for answers to why this was happening to me. Why I was so happy, then it was ripped from me, unexpectedly. But this book help me heal and deal with pass pain that I really never got rid of. I am slowly becoming who I use to be. I was so much more than I am now, but God is shaping and molding me back to the image he wants me to be. It is amazing how such a small crisis in life can change and teach a person so much. I am stronger because I know that is what it is going to take so this doesn't happen again. I am going to have days were I will be lonely but God is always going to be there to surround me, comfort me and take away the sting of being lonely. He is my everything, all that I want. It is crazy to see how far from just a few weeks ago I have come. I look back and think that was pathetic and see me now and think, "Wow, our God is an amazing healer and comforter"....All I know is I am done being who have been this last year or so. I am putting that away and standing before God, surrendering everything and myself completely so that he can mold me. I want to be different but I know that he is the only one who can truly change me. So for now, while I am being shaped I am going to lean completely on him and never let go. He knows what he wants for me and what I need. So in his time I will find my other half. Until then, I will completely lose myself in him.

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that [my] glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever. (Psalms 30:11-12)