Wounded

Have you ever been wounded deeply (emotionally, mentally, spiritually)? I have....I am. The current trial in my life is painful. It did not hurt at first but now my heart feels as if it has been ripped out of my chest. I feel I am being smothered....that I cannot get enough air to live. Why is this trial so hard?....Because things are being left undone. A persons heart can only be ripped out once, or so I thought. This is the second time and almost the same situation. I thought I was OK, and I was handling everything very well but then crash things turned for the worst. It started with a dream. I was standing in front of this person looking up at them, not saying anything...just silence, and they had this look of anguish on their face. Like I had done or said something to cause such pain. I woke up and was immediately in tears...this hurt. It hurt me to know that I could have wounded this person. I want to just make things right and I will not be given the chance. I feel like I am alone. I have many great friends that are willing to help and give advice but some trials you cannot let them help you carry. I am reading this book called "Wounded Woman," and it says that your friends and family can offer support and advice but God is the only one who knows all the details to your pain, guilt and shame. Isaiah 42:16- "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the tough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." I believe this with my whole heart. I know he will never lead me and he will guide me through this pain I feel. I sit here and read this book and feel the tears just stream down my face. From page one I have not stopped crying. I know that I was meant to find this book. While it is talking about guilt and pain which is what I feel, I feel that this situation is all my fault. This part of the book touched my heart...."If Jesus was to meet with you face-to-face in the safety of your living room, He would do everything possible to reassure you. I imagine him saying something like: I know about all of those things you've never mentioned to a soul. I was there when you made those mistakes...and I took the punishment for you. I'm fully aware of your poor decisions, and I've already paid the penalty. Your debt has been canceled.I suffered and died so you wouldn't have to bear the burden of your shame. Lay your bags of guilt at the foot of My cross. I have already forgiven you. Learn from what went wrong, and move on. Allow My wounds to serve their purpose. Receive My gift of forgiveness. Entrust your heat to Me. I will carefully mend it piece by piece...". This made me think about my life. I may feel pain but if I just hand my situation to him he will fight for me and he will heal me in the process. He will fight for what is best for me...I just have to trust him. In this book it talks about when Moses lead the people to the seas. It says that he hushed the crowd and said: " Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you....The Lord himself will fight for you. You don't have to lift a finger in your defense." (Exodus 14:13-14). This gives me comfort in knowing that I have a great God on my side who cares enough to fight for me. I need this because right now I am so weak. But in my weakness he is made strong. These trials may bring sorrow in my life but "Sorrow hurts, but it doesn't harm.It slows us down and gives us the opportunity to seriously think about our priorities...". The pain from our sorrow drives us deep into darkness where only God can reach us. All I know is I have to forgive what has happened. It says in Luke 6:37- "If you forgive others, you will before forgiven." In this part of the book it speaks of a crowd of people bring a woman to the stoning place and men picking up rocks, ready to throw. I feel like I am this woman about to be stoned. That is the point where the Lord steps in and says" Let those who have never sinned throw the first stone (John 8:7)". It gives a description of what happened: "Faces fell. Hands loosened their grip. Rocks dropped. Sandaled feet left, one by one. All was silent." This is what the lord will do for me. But for now I am still standing in the middle waiting for them to throw the rocks. My heart has experience so much pain in the last 3 years and things were going great and then Bam!, I am buried under the rubble waiting to be rescued. I know My Lord will rescue me in his time. So, for now I sit waiting buried, smothering in my pain and hurt that I might have caused. I pray that this person would forgive me and come back to being my friend. To much to ask?....at this moment, yes.

Will You Save Me?

Brokenhearted is by definition: crushed by sorrow, grief, or disappointment; inconsolable. Every felt this way? Isn't funny how your day can start off with rainbows, sunshine, and blue skies, then turns to grey clouds, rain and then finally ends in diaster, which brings disappointment. I'm having one of those days. Today, as day has turned to night, things have broken me. Being broken is a terrible way to feel. I have been shattered before and I am not sure my heart and soul have been completely pieced back together. I wish I had never been broken in the first place, but that was inevitable. I care about people and things tooooooooo much. My heart can hold so much love for people that it hurts sometimes. Somedays I wish I could be one of those people who do not care but then I know that I would be cold and numb. Somedays I wish to be numb to some feelings....this would make it were there was no pain. As I sit here and write this I cannot help but think about how one day in heaven we will no longer feel pain, sorrow, grief, or disappointment. Somethings in life can be going so well then one day out of the blue, just end or fall apart. Why? I wish I knew. If I did I would not let it happen. Ever. I know what makes us weak can also make us stronger once we overcome it. Somethings can break a person so much they turn into someone who they never thought they would become. This has happened to me. I was happy, I think. Or maybe I convinced myself I was. Somedays I love who I have become...other days, I despise my own reflection. Wish I could say this does not happen often, but that would be a lie. Seems the more steps I take to were the lord wants me to be, the more it hurts. I know it is the devil trying to fight me...but I'm tired. I am tired of hurting. I have surrendered it all to the Lord but what does it bring, more....borkenheartedness. I want to be whole, but I think sometimes a heart can be broken so many times it cannot be mended anymore. When it is put back together, it is full of holes and scuff marks. Even though, my heart is broken....I still feel with the little pieces in a big way. I love to feel for others, but this leads to pain most of the time....except for the few exceptions. It feels as if I care for people who do not care about me. I just want someone to care about me. A person can only give so much and not recieve anything. I know it is better to give than recieve, but I am talking about love. You can only give so much until you have none left because you have not been loved yourself. This is the point were people quit caring. I do not want this to be me. I do not want to be cold, withdrawn, lonely, or numb. Something in my life has to give. Living this way 24/7 cannot continue....or I fear one day I will find myself in a place (not physically) that I would be completely lost (not spiritually-emotionally and mentally). I hanging on by a thread. I save people when they are about to be lost, but.....Who is going to save me?

How BIG is our God!

When you think of "The Beach" what is the first thing that comes to mind. Water? Fun? Sand? Seashells? When I think of the beach, I think of peace. Peace is something that is hard to come by these days. Everything in our lives is so chaotic and unsettling. I waded out waist deep in water and let the waves hit me. The feeling of something coming towards you that you cannot control is scary but also, in away, a rush. I loved the feeling of the waves wanting to carry me away. I found I feel at home on the beach, where anything feels possible. We watched the sun lay itself to rest and the moon come out to say hello to the small world below. I watched the color of the sun fade away slowing, the clouds changing from red-orange to gray to black. The stars popped out one by one, twinkling so far above for the world to see. The moons glaze hit the waves and as they slowly rolled aways its glaze it showed it again on the next way. It looked as if glitter from the heavens had been poured into the ocean. The waves slowly crashed over and over. The roaring sound never ceased. As I set in the water near the shoreline, I let my toes and fingers sink into the sand, so cool, so wet, so peaceful. I pick up a handful of sand out of the water and think our God created all of this. The small handful of sand that I held was thousands and thousands of years of eternity. They say that if a bird were to carry all the sand on earth to the moon, one grain at a time, and back, that is how long eternity would be. I look forward to spending that long in the place our Lord went away to prepare for us. It was truly a God moment to sit on this shore, to watch and feel the Lord's creation. It felt so natural, even though it something so foreign to me. While sitting there I had no worries, no thoughts of things to come, not thinking of home or anyone but how amazing God's creation is. Our world is so vast and God created every bit of it. He placed every grain of sand in the spot he thought it should be. He made the wind that makes the waves, the clouds that cross the moon and sun, and bodies of water in the places he knew would be best. A song that is familiar to me says this in the beginning...."He counts the stars one and all, he knows how much sand is on the shore, he sees every sparrow that falls. He made the mountains and the seas, he's in control of everything. Of all creatures great and small. He knows me name, every step that I take, every move that I make, every tear that I cry. He knows name." This song is so beautiful and has so much meaning. He knows every thought you have, every breath you take, and every step you take. If you think about how many people live on this earth....he knows all this to EVERY person. Now I don't know about you but that to me makes our God GINORMOUS! How someone could not believe he is real is beyond me. Just open your eyes and look at what he has created...I don't think a big boom of chemicals can produce things so complex and amazing. Just stop and look around.....Have you seen how big our God is lately?

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Long car rides+memories+fun+hotels+family=family vacations. We are in San Antonio and later heading to the coast of Texas (Corpus Christi). This vacation has been fun so far. But they say Home is where the Heart is.....well mine is still at Home. I miss home already and we have only been gone a few days and will be gone for like 5 or 6 more days. I love going on vacation....it is very relaxing but I miss everything familiar. I feel completely out of my element here. It seems as if people can look at you and know that you are not from that place. Also, I miss people back home and my bed :) Anyways, everything down here in Texas is so fast pace. Everyone is in such a hurry to get where they want to go...it is wild! It has been fun seeing things I have not seen before though. Today, we went to the riverwalk and it was beautiful! Tomorrow we are going to seaworld, more riverwalk, and the alamo. No matter how much I miss home or the people there.....I am going to have fun!

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown

Night brings Peace

I am sitting on the roof watching the clouds roll in and erasing what is left of the day sky and the stars that have come out. in the distances I can see the red glow of lights from the city. I can feel the wind on my face and running through my hair. I hear the frogs and crickets singing their song....aww the sweet sounds of summer. The air tonight is cool and it swirls around me and I feel at peace. When I was younger I lived by the interstate. It was so loud day and night, you could barely hear your own thoughts because of semi's blowing tires and people honking. As I sit on the roof of our home now....I can hear everything but the blowing of tires and honking horns. I hear wind chimes chiming their song in the night air....I hear and see the most beautiful part of earth our Lord created for us to enjoy. As I watch the clouds roll in, I wait in anticipation of the rain that will follow these dark black clouds. I can't wait to hear the soft tapping of the small water droplets on the metal roof. This would bring me peace. My mind is running and reeling with thoughts of things to come, things that have happened, and just thoughts of special people in my life, and my future. I am at peace when I can sit on the roof and watch the day fade as the night comes in. How i love to be out here and listen to the music being made mby the wind and animals and to hear no thoughts just the simple tapping of the keys of my computer waiting to see what they have to say next. I love feeling the wind on my face.....it brings peace to my soul and heart...not a care in the world. I sit here and watch the stars peak through the clouds and I wish upon them for things to happen. It may sound childish but it can bring peace to your heart about matters of the heart and mind. It gives you hope that these things could happen. The stars gives us hope which brings faith that it will happen, in turn brings love...the thing we all long to happen. The stars make me feel, when I wish on them, that they have the answer I am looking for. Our God created the stars for us and I believe he was hoping the stars would give us the hope and belief that anything can happen no matter what, we just need a little faith.

The simple things in life

As I wake up this morning, I lay here watching the ceiling fan spin and I think this is one of the best things in life. I finally roll out of bed walk down the stairs and hear all the sounds of our house-popping, cracking, as if it is too just waking up. I hear mom in the kitchen cooking breakfast and the tapping of paws going across the kitchen floor from Beau (our dog) following her around the kitchen waiting for her to drop something so he can eat it. All these things remind me of my childhood. Waking up on a Saturday to the smell of bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy. How I long for these days back, even if just for a day. So that I can remember what it was like to be carefree with not a worry in the world, except if the cousins could come out and play. No worries but who was going to play the teacher while playing pretend school. I miss these days but I remember thinking I wish I would hurry and grow up so I could do grown up things and now I look at my life and think I wish it would slow down. I graduate from college in a year and then my whole life starts...it is scary because I will no longer pretending to be a teacher but I will be a teacher. I get the feeling now that I am about to graduate my whole life is set in stone-never to change. I have come to realize this is not true. My life from here on out is ever changing. I am stepping into a whole new world when I get out of school. I will truly become an adult....become my own person. The simple things in life are all around us....inside, outside, and the people in your life. I just love having the simple things all around me-the way being outside makes you feel free, the stars make you feel as if your dreams can come true, the sound of crickets sound like a symphony and just the times of spending time with family. I love the simple things in life and no matter how complicated things get all the little things in life can turn around a bad day. Don't forget to be thankful for all the wonderful simple things God has place in our lives.

On my mind, Constantly

Here lately I have had someone on my mind, constantly. I go to bed thinking about them, wake up thinking about them...almost every second of everyday I think about them. I remember the times we had, all the fun. All the times we laughed, talked, and just sat in silence-just being with each other....it was wonderful. But they are on my mind alot. This person doesn't know that I care this much. At one point along time ago, I cared for this person a lot. Things were complicated then, and I got scared of what would happen, so, I stopped it. Back then what was happening was wrong for me at the time...and I think I was hurting others in this time. I felt like a terrible person. These days, I am talking to this person every so often and I am right back where I was a few years ago. I wonder if things would have worked then, if not, would they work now? I think I would like to try and see. But how do I tell this person that. I don't want to get my heart broken but I don't want things to go unsaid. I am scared to tell this person anything of that sort. I have always like this person and never really go the chance to see how things would go with us, but now will it be the same. How would I tell this person I want a chance? This person makes me nervous anyway...always has. But in a good way. Maybe things will turn out ok....whatever it may be. Just going to keep on praying and believeing that things are going to turn out ride-whatever God's will may be.

Happy 4th of July! Don't forget our soliders who fought for our freedom! Don't forget freedom comes through salvation of christ!

What I use to be

Isn't it funny when you are surrounded by a crowd of people, yet you feel so completely alone?...I have, I am. I am going through the motions of life, happiness, and love. I am on autopilot. I use to be so outgoing and fun, now I am withdrawn from people and boring because I am afraid to even care for the people that care about me. Yes, there are a few exceptions to this. There are a few people that I actually let into my life. These people I know are dear friends and will not judge me, will support me, and not care how much I change. They are always there, always loving me...yet I still feel all alone. I want to be the person I use to be, but things I have been through have changed me, and I long to be the fun, cool, outgoing person I use to be. I want to be involved with people, I want to love again but I am too scared. I guess on autopilot I pretend to care. I guess you could say I am numb. My heart is numb from being scared. I this comes from people treating me badly, having bad things happen, and being hurt through every good thing I try to do. With every good thing I did along comes 10 bad things. Why? I have no idea. If i did I would change things. I have been in a shelter all my life and I never get one inch of breathing room. When I do, I feel guilty about it.....and I could have never done anything wrong. I want to do things wrong sometimes on the spot to just get in trouble, but I did I would feel guilty. I just live a guilty, lifeless life. How do I change? How can I become the person I was and stay the person I am? I like some of my personality traits now but the some I wish I still had from back in the day. I have always tried to be what people wanted and I changed so much I am to the place where I am today. I want to change back, to become the person I changed from that I thought no one liked. I don't care what people like or what they want me to be. I want to be what I want to be and what God wants me to be. Things will be different....they have to be different for me to be happy again. People may not like what I will become but I don't care as long as I am happy. As in my last post, I can't love someone when I am broken and withdrawn like I am. That is why I am looking for the person I am meant to be with, so maybe they can help me get back to myself. Learn to love another person, to care for some genuinely. I want to love easily again, instead of having to make myself love someone-to trust them enough to let them in. To be completely open and tell my feelings to someone is my goal. To love and have happiness is what I long for. No more living in a glass case, or placing my heart and emotions in a box. I have a big heart and I care to much and that is what has made me so numb towards feelings of my own. I've been lying to myself about my feelings. No more will I lie to myself, I will try my best to love, care, and be happy towards people. I want to be this way. To live carefree. To finally be whole and completely happy.