Understanding and change

Understanding a something that, I believe, comes when you are truely suppose to know what it is or the question you seek understanding for. In my experience, understanding comes for when I have a trail in my life and finally at the end, after all the crying, pity parties and asking why I understand. I always say I won't let myself get in a rut like a did a few weeks ago again, but I always do. But I have decided that this time I will not. This is an important step that I have to take in my life. I do not want to be at rock bottom before I open my eyes and understand. I want to go through the trail, lean on the lord, never give up and earn understanding that way. I am listening to this song and it is so uplifting, even though, am an not facing a huge trial right now. It is call "No Matter What," and it says, "I'm running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why, No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what. When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength, No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what. Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gona need YouNo matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what." This song for me is now the anthem, if you would call it that, for my life. It took one person hurting me for me to understand that I am so much more that I give myself credit for and that I am worth so much more than that...I was just settleling because I was lonely. No more this will be part of my life. I always knew this but it took this one small trial in my life brought true understanding that I don't need that other person in my life to be who God has created me to be. I can be me and more without another person in my life. I alway tell a dear friend of mine that I am tired of being just me, but I knew this all along too, but it not just me. It is me and God. We are allies against everything that comes against me. I was reading a book, still in the process but it has helped me so much. It is for wounded and hurting women and I picked this book up the day after things excalated in my last trial because I was looking for answers to why this was happening to me. Why I was so happy, then it was ripped from me, unexpectedly. But this book help me heal and deal with pass pain that I really never got rid of. I am slowly becoming who I use to be. I was so much more than I am now, but God is shaping and molding me back to the image he wants me to be. It is amazing how such a small crisis in life can change and teach a person so much. I am stronger because I know that is what it is going to take so this doesn't happen again. I am going to have days were I will be lonely but God is always going to be there to surround me, comfort me and take away the sting of being lonely. He is my everything, all that I want. It is crazy to see how far from just a few weeks ago I have come. I look back and think that was pathetic and see me now and think, "Wow, our God is an amazing healer and comforter"....All I know is I am done being who have been this last year or so. I am putting that away and standing before God, surrendering everything and myself completely so that he can mold me. I want to be different but I know that he is the only one who can truly change me. So for now, while I am being shaped I am going to lean completely on him and never let go. He knows what he wants for me and what I need. So in his time I will find my other half. Until then, I will completely lose myself in him.

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that [my] glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever. (Psalms 30:11-12)

"Conforming to the Man?"

Every heard the saying “Conforming to the Man”? I know it is a funny saying from the movies but this is my life in a shell. I am one of those people who doing things and sacrifice things so that others can be happy. Living this way stinks sometimes. I am always doing and acting a certain way so that others will be happy with the way I am. I am so sick of being what everyone expects and wants. For once I want to be my own person, with my own thoughts, instead of thinking what others expect me to think. I am hanging on to who I am by a thread because I have spent most of my life trying to make friends and family happy. It seems I try to be what they want and act the way they think I should and it only makes things worse. People are running my life and I was always told not to let people run my life, but the funny thing is…the people who told me that are the ones who are doing the running. How can I pull myself out of this downward spiral into the abyss where I will lose myself? If I knew it would not be happening. Someone very dear to me recently told me that I am always all about me….but this is not true, because this person is always talking about themselves, their business, and how hard their life is. Now this seems backwards. Everyone has times in their lives were they are about themselves or conceited. I admit sometimes, yes I can be conceited, but this person made it were I was the bad person and acted this way all the time, which is not true either. I care for other people, that is the way the good Lord made me. I would give up everything for someone else to be happy. I put everyone else’s happiness before my own. That is what the Lord expects us to do. He wants us to put him first, family and friends second, and ourselves last. I follow this….at least I think I do. I try at least, but I am far from perfect. But hear recently, people in my life have been telling that I should dress a certain way, I do not need to color my hair, not pierce my ears….blah, blah, nag, nag, nag….that I need to be the perfect clean cut person that they expect. If these people would only look at who I actually am, instead of what they expect, they might actually like me better. Only a few people in my life actually know who I am. I found this wonderful quote that says, “Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me. You can only see what I choose to show, there’s so much more you just don’t know.” This is perfect because I only show what most people would expect….not what I actually am. This part of my life is terrible. I am cheating myself of happiness, but that brings the point back, I do this to make people happy, so they won’t be disappointed in me. Disappointment is such a harsh word. Someone does not have to say I am disappointed in you, but they can tell you this without words. I feel like my family is disappointed in my almost every day. So, I guess this is why I try so hard to make them happy….to get their attention. No more. This is the reason I am so ready to graduate. I am ready to get out of this house and live by my own rules and on my own terms. I am being smothered….do this, you cannot do that, you can’t go there….AHH! I want to do what I want, when I want. So, graduation could hurry and get here. Which for now, I am ready to get out of this house and get back to school. I think I will be finding a part time job at the school, so I can spend as much time as possible there. I feel at home at school, more than I do here at my actual home. But all in all, I am from now on going to be who I want and if people are disappointed or upset, I really don’t care. People need to stop making people “Conform to the Man” and let people be who the lord made them to be. We need to step out and stop being what the world expects. “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” This is a new day and a new me. If you don’t like who I am, I really don’t care…you can deal with it! Be blessed!

Strength vs Weakness

Being strong, in my family, is apparently a must. Strong in my definition of things means to be able to withstand powerful things. Weakness is by my definition, or so I have been raised to believe, is meaning to fail at something. I hate both of these definitions! These have only been instilled in my because that is the way my family thinks we should be. It isn't always good for a person to be strong, in my opinion. I know I strive so hard to be all the time but as I get older and realize the reality of things in the world around me, I realize being strong all the time is not possible. But yet we all try. I once told my best friend that I hate to cry in front of people because it feels like weakness and we are suppose to be strong. She told me that being strong means that you can cry in front of people and not feel weak. But as my family has lead me to believe that there is no place for weakness in my life. If they want to live that way, I guess go ahead. I know the lord will caught me when I fall. I think that being weak keeps us humble in the lords eyes. Come to think of, I believe the reason Christians are taught to be strong is so that the world would want to live for Christ. The world is much easier to live in. Living for Christ is not easy and some days I want to live in the world because things would be easier, but I know that is something I cannot do. Christ is my everything...he is everything I am. He never promised things would be easy but he did promise to be there through everything and he understands that we are human and that we will fail and fall sometimes. We, as humans, think we must be perfect at all times. That we must fit into every ones idea of perfect....this CANNOT and WILL NOT happen. Someone is always going to fall short....but the way I look at it, no one is perfect so we all fall short. Anyways, back to my main point, I think strength is something that is called for in sometimes but can also be forgot at times. Today, I found out a scholarship I had applied for was denied. Of course I was/am heartbroken, because I needed to it finish my schooling, so yeah I am a girl...I cry and I did....well someone near me said that I quote, "Suck it up and move on. There is no sense in crying over something so stupid." This person I looked up to as a young girl, and this breaks my heart, but now I see someone who has expectations of what I should be...the person I cannot be. This person, I use to follow ever step and I find myself feeling as if they don't care....that I have disappointed them. This is the person that I feel that I have to be strong so that I won't embarrass them or disappoint them. All they are doing is pushing me further away. Anyways, I heard a song that has helped me understand not getting this scholarship....weird, I know. I know it was something I needed but this song explains it. The chorus says this, " Make no mistake, every prayer you pray get answered, even though, sometimes, the answer is no.." This song is the most amazing song I've heard because we get caught up in things we want or need and just expect it to be handed over and sometimes it is best if the answer is no. Yes, I am talking to myself too. I know I need this scholarship and I don't understand why I didn't get it because I prayed like crazy and had the qualifications needed but it was no. Sometimes, even though, there is silence on the other side of our prayers we must believe which ever way things happen it was what the Lord thought was best. Sometimes we have to lose things to appreciate what we have and don't need...not only money wise but in other areas of our lives, but that is another story for another time. Strength vs weakness....which is less important?? Most people would say weakness, but I say strength. Because the only way to get strong is to face weakness....a weakness comes in a variety of things, such as, people, food, finding comfort in different things and people. In our weakness we are made strong by the lord. During the weakness trails in our lives is when the lord teaches us lessons. SO, if someone ever tells you to stop being weak....don't. Never know what you will learn in this weakness point in your life. I always thought these points in my life were punishments for things that I had done wrong. I am still not sure this isn't true but I hope not.

And Jesus said, "Come to the water; stand by my side.I know you are thirsty. You won't be denied.I felt every teardrop, when in darkness you cried.And I strove to remind you, that for those tears I died."

Be blessed until next time. :)