Today Begins My Journey Back To Happiness

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade....but as I would say right now life is chasing me down a road throwing lemons violently, yelling make lemonade. At this point, I lay down and give up, but it still insist on just beating me until I or anyone else is able to recongnize who I am. I am so bruised and beaten from things happening to me. I just keep wondering when it is going to stop. I am begging for it to. I am just being tortured and humiliated by the way things keep happening. Today, I became a person I never thought I would be. I miss who I was a year and half ago before him. I want that girl back. I was so strong and independent and then he came along and I depended so much on him and it just broke me. I want to be me again. I want to smile, feel joy, love, happiness.....I don't want to be depressed about life thinking that there is no way out. I don't even know how to begin to pull myself up and make myself move....I am so hurt and in pain I just want to lay down and never get up. I thought letting him come back would be different....jokes on me. I want to find happiness and true love. I want to feel again and not be so numb and hard hearted towards everyone and everything. I want to have faith....most of all peace. So as of today I am doing what I can for me. I have never been a selfish person but today is the day I put my needs over everyone else and pick myself, and keep moving. Life will bring good things for me, just got to get back to a place were I am happy, smiling, and can love again. Today is a new day. I will get my happy ending.

Love is amazing but sometimes it Hurts

Love that is ture and pure, some people spend their whole life looking for it. Well I found it at the young age of 22. But for some reason this love has been temporarily put on hold, I guess I could say. This guy is so amazing and our love for each other is so true, pure, and everlasting that I know that I cannot just get over this. We have not been together for almost 2 months which seems like a lifetime. I miss him more everyday and my love for him has grown also. He says we need sometime because of things that have happened and I agree maybe this is best. But I keep thinking how long is this going to be. Its been almost 2 months, is it going be a few more weeks, a month, 3 months, a year. All I know is that I lay down every night praying that I can one day soon be back in his arms. I took so many of the little things for granite. We had 30 min. dinners twice a week which is usally the only time we saw each other and i complained that I wanted more and now I miss them and would do anything to have them back. I would do anything to go back in time and fix this somehow, so that I could have him back. Right now we have agreed not to talk and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I constantly think about him, what he is doing, if he is thinking about me, and when is he coming back. I am praying all the time that is would be by the end of the month. I need him in my life. Everything was happier and lighter when I had him. He was a strength that I needed. He was alot stronger than me and even though we were so different he is my other half. Right now he is so mean to me and this is not like him. When I try to speak to him he just ignores me and brushes off the fact that I love him. I don't think he loves me anymore. This hurts worse than anything Ive ever experienced before. To love someone who doesn't even want to care or love you back is the worst thing to feel. I'm trying to be strong and keep faith that he will love me again one day but today the faith and reality of that happening seems so small. I just keep praying for a soft spot to come into his heart for me that he will know that he does love me and does want to be with me. I miss him so much but yet all the feelings I have for him are not returned for some reason. I just want to feel normal with him again. It hurts to be without him...but he still doesn't care. He is fine without me and probably always will be. Me not so much. He completes me, he is my other half, and he has my heart.

I'm not perfect and they let me know

Mistakes are a HUGE part of my life. I know I am not perfect and I make a bunch of mistakes. But the older I get the more I have. I am trying to be strong and I am not as strong as I use to be. I feel today as if my world is crashing down. I have made a huge mistake and I feel awful and their is nothing I can say or do to make things better. I just want to disappear, go back and make this thing go away. I wish I could be someone else, then I might make less mistakes. I absolutely hate myself today. I don't even want to be breathing right now. That would be the point when the pain would stop and I would not feel anything. I want to be stronger with less feeling. I want him to know that I am so sorry, that I made a mistake saying and doing those things. I am not perfect. So I guess I will learn to change who I am to be the person I need to be for our relationship. It is like stuffing me into a box. It will take some work to get into it but I can do it. I will change everything about who I am so that he and we can be happy. It will take some time for me to get use to the idea but everything will be alright. I might hate myself even more but at least our relationship will be good and he will be happy. So here goes the transformation of ME to the girl who looks like me but a robot.

Letting Go

I'm letting go. I love this person so much and I know he loves me but I love more than him. I have loved with everything I have. Yet, I do not get much back. This is breaking me down. I feel like if I let go then I will let my future go but if I do not let go I get hurt and continue to lose myself. I just want to be loved. I never thought that was alot to ask. This man is a great one, any girl would be lucky to have him but maybe he is not mine to keep. Maybe he is just temporarily here for some reason. I want to spend my life with him and we have talked about it. I just do not see him wanting to make the commitment to be with me. I want him to be head over heels in love with me. But he is maybe too young for that. I am a complex person and he just does not listen or understand how I feel. I know he loves me and cares but I do not know if he loves me enough. So, maybe I will let go and see what happens. If he comes back to me then maybe this was meant to be. But letting go of this love that I have for him will break me completely. I made a mistake getting so attached but I just could not help but fall for this amazing guy. I guess I'm the one who has made the mistake of loving too much. So, I guess I will do the hardest thing I've ever done and let go and see what happens.

Fighting for Love or Run Away

Love is worth fighting for, especially true love...like I have. But last night I was scared, I almost went running in the other directions because of a very bad situation. In the past, I have had to bear some heavy burdens but this is the heaviest one in a long time. It makes me feel helpless, scared, and maybe think that I am not strong enough. But for this wonderful guy in my life, I need to be strong. But I felt so weak. I wanted to run, because that is what I do when I get scared. But last night I stayed because of his love and his needing me to be there. I am not going to lie and say I did not think about leaving and never coming back because I did. But I knew if I did I was going to mess up something good. It seems like all we have done is fight one situation after another to keep our relationship where it is. Like he said we should not have to fight, it should just work. I feel like I'm weak but I cannot imagine how he feels, well yes I can but I not sure how to tell him how to handle this because I do not even know how to handle it. I hurt sooo much from what happened last night, but I cannot tell him because I need to be strong....which I am quesitoning if I can be strong enough for both of us. I feel so broken after this....but I cannot tell him this. But this situation is a new one...I've never been here before so I am not completely sure how to take it. All I know, is I love this wonderful man and I can see myself spending my life with him...so no matter how strong I have to be when I want to fall, how much I hurt, or how much I want to run....I will not....I will fight for him and I will fight for us. Alot of people say that I am so young I do not understand what love is, but I think I do. I am willing to stay when things are at their worst and I am willing to fight for this other person because I care so much. I knew I have loved him for awhile but now I know that my love for him will never go away. I will fight for what I want, and this amazing guy I am so truely blessed with is what I will be fighting for. I need him as much as he needs me. What can I say? I Love him with all my heart.

Love is Everything I Need

Life is full of confusing, pain, and hurt, then all this can be covered by love. Love is something that can shake a person to the core. I have been shaken and I thought it would never happen to me. Just a short time ago, I was in so much pain because of a certain person and I was so confused about what was going to happen in my life. Then all of a sudden this man walks into my life and picks me up. I do not think he realizes that he saved me from losing who I was. He saved me from buying into this lie I was being told. He makes me so very happy and I cannot help but smile when I think about him, see him smile or even talk to him. He makes my heart feel whole again. He makes me feel as if I can let my breath go and keep on breathing, keep living for something, for someone...for him. It amazes me that I finally found someone who cares just as much for me as I do for them. I want him to know that I love him more than he could ever think possible. He has helped me find myself again. I can finally feel again. I numbed myself not to feel, so it would not hurt, but it always seemed that some feeling creeped in. But this man stepped in my life so unexpectedly and wiped the smudge off the window to let the sunshine in. He saved me from darkness and he does not even know this. We have had things that have tried to tear us apart and I have almost walked away due to these things, but I decided he was worth fighting for. I know in the future things will try to tear us apart but our love will keep us bound together. I want to keep this feeling forever. He is the one I want forever. I want to keep the the sunshine in my life.

Mending Heart

A heart was not made to be broken. It was made to be Loved. That is all I ever wanted, yet everytime I thought I meant something to someone...it was broken. It has been broken a few times and each time I am left to pick up the pieces while the other person goes on with their life like I never happened. How can someone do this? How can you not care that you hurt someone, that you took a piece of them away? This just does not make sense to me. I am tired of being hurt. I want to find someone that I am meant to be with and do this without all the heartache. Is this possible? I see all the happy people in happy, fun relationships...my question, what did I do wrong? This confuses me. After this thing that happened, I am not sure I want someone right now, but then another part of me does. I got a small taste of what it was like to feel for someone and someone "feel" for me...well I thought anyways. So, right now I am mending my heart. Getting it back in working order. A persons heart can only feel so much pain then if feels as if it is going to explode, then it feels as if you cannot feel at all. Next, it feels anger but in my anger I feel something different. I do not really feel anger just feelings for this person. Geez, everything got so complicated. I should of known that I would get hurt, because that is usually what happens. I feel anyone I tell I am bothering them with my problem. Anyways, this other person dropped me like I was nothing and now they are back happy with someone else after just a few days...how can a guy do this? Can you really be so heartless to treat someone this way? I dont understand How you cannot feel something when you hurt another human being. I guess this is my big heart talking. So, now I have to mend myself, alone.....while the other person gets to pick up where they left. I am so hurt, so broken because of this person. Yet, I cannot show it because it would seem as if I was desperate. I'm not, I'm just hurt....and they don't care. Bummer. But in the end this will all be better. The lord is with me and he will help me through this and will lift me up and send me the most amazing person than I could ever imagine.