Pain

My mind is running is circles, what I would give if it would stop. I need some relief from all the thoughts that play in my mind. I've had a situation in my life, that is still happening, and I am not sure what to do about it. I want this to happen and I thought it was meant to happen, then a kink was thrown in. Everything was going so well then this happened and things have totally changed for the worse on my end. I guess Iam not worth much in this situation. I thought I could be involved without getting my heart involved, well that did not happen. This things felt so good and was so good that I just kinda fell. I am working on picking myself up and it is hard when the people involved do not care. This is one of the reason I do not want to be involved in things like this. This whole situation has ruined me and the thing is it is my fault. I should have known better than to even try. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put ourselves into a situation that we know is probably going to end bad and yet we submerge ourselves it. We think, "We won't let anything bad happen this time." Ha, I should have known not to trust this. The weird thing is, is that I still want this. This doesn't bother, but it is the fact I don't think I will get it. Some of the things that I do just shock me. All I want is happiness but I am not sure happiness is meant to find me. What if, happiness is for everyone else in the world, but not me. I want to believe it is, but everytime I become happy it is ripped away. This is what has brought me to the conclusion. I wish could do things without getting involved without my heart. I want it to be that way from now on. I am tired of being hurt and this is the only way to fix it. Not feel. Feeling hurts but if you are incapable of being hurt, then that is the way to be. So from now until I change my mind, my heat is locked in a box....never to be involved in anything. That may sound cold hearted but it is better than letting people crush you to nothing. But like I said earlier that is my fault, so no more will I let this happen. This is the only way to not this happen again.

Pain Pouring in...

It's all I can Feel, yet

I hide behind a smile.

That is all you will ever see.

I plead and plead for it to stop,

To have just one second of happiness,

one second to breathe.

But here I am still breaking inside,

hiding all the pain.

Praying one day it will stop,

just so I could breathe.