Waiting for You

Ever feel alone or that you seem to cease to exist to some people? I do....especially today. I have felt really lonely today. It seems that I have a void that I can't fill. I have Christ and he fills every part of my heart and soul, but it see like something is missing. It feels like a piece of me is missing and I am searching for it but have not found it yet. When will I find it? Or will I ever find it? I want something to look forward to every morning I wake up, someone to look forward to seeing. I have been looking through old photos and I see how happy my parents were when they first got married and when they had each of us (their kids). I want to feel that happiness. I want someone to actually care if I exist, to love me when no one else does, to hold me when things get overwhelming and tell me it is gonna be OK. I know this is not gonna happen until the Lord decides it is my time. I do not wanna go from one person to the next...trying to find the person I am meant to be with. I want the lord to send me the right one this next time, because I am tired of my heart being broken. Not sure how much would be left it is was broken many more times. To me every time you get your heart broken a piece of you is chipped away, never to get it back. The lord can heal but the flesh can always feel the heartbreak. Everyone has felt heartbreak and I think that when you find your other half, your hearts will go together and be one. That is what I want feel....I want to feel completely whole again. But will this ever happen for me? I know when the time is right, or this is what friends and family tell me, but I am not getting any younger. I know I am not that old but I guess I see everyone around me that are 2 and 3 yrs younger and they are married, already having kids....so, they got their happy ending, where is mine? All I feel I can't really talk to anyone about, because all I get is the time isn't right, maybe they are not ready, maybe your not ready....I know all this. I know God has a plan for me....I'm just tired of waiting...I know I have to have patience when it comes to this, because I do not want to make a mistake in this area of my life. As I spoke in my first post, I struggle with loneliness, but some days are worse than others. Today has been one of those days. I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. I hope I don't have to feel this way much longer, because I am ready to find my other half, so that I can be whole again. I am ready to stop getting heartbroken and getting my hopes up believing in guys that keep letting me down. Some past relationships I thought this could work, I could see myself with this person and then I turn around and they decide they don't need me or want me, so I get kicked to the curb again. Heartbreak can put a person in a shell, build walls so people can't get in. I am too afraid to actually care for someone because I don't want to feel pain...I don't want to be hurt. I keep my feelings boxed up, not to share with anyone, because the less people know, the less they want to help you because they feel sorry for you. All the pain, betrayal, and heartbreak can cause a person to even block out the people (friends and family) that actually care. Because you don't even want to let the, because of them hurting you too. I don't let people get to close because of this....when they try I push. I smile and say everything is fine. I want to actually smile and say everything is alright, because it is the truth, not because I want people to think everything is alright. One day, hopefully not far, the person the Lord has created to be my other half will come along and make things whole, to stop all the heartbreak, to feel the other half of my heart......to actually, genuinely love me. Until this happens, all I can do it wait, wait for you.....as long as it takes.

God's Grace

Last night I flipped on the TV and a sermon was starting on this channel so I decided to listen and wow what a moving message. He talked about God’s grace in our life. How God’s grace will be in every season of our life, good or bad. When we look at an obstacle and think….I don’t think I can do this is, God’s grace will come upon you and give you the strength or peace or whatever it may be that you need to make it through that problem in your life. We need to remember that no matter what we face or how big it is that God’s grace is being in the palm of God’s hand. I am so glad our Lord is faithful and he will do what he says he will. 2 Thessalonians 3:3- But the lord is faithful and shall stablish you and keep you from evil. I am so glad that our God no matter what will always get to us on time in our time of need and his grace will be there to help give us what we need. 2 Corinthians 12:9- …my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength Is made perfect in weakness. Through everything his grace will be there and his grace is an enabler. It enables us to do things that we didn’t or don’t think that we can accomplish. We need to stop looking at the future and worrying about the things that we don’t think we will be able to do because if we stay in faith now then when that season comes God’s grace will abound. It is amazing to know that we have an unfailing god who loves us no matter what condition we are in. When things in life go wrong, just take hold of his promises, that you can do all things through Christ, and just stay in faith his grace is going to come in and reward you for the right choices and decisions you make in this season. Know that his grace will give you peace through all this. John 14:27- Peace I leave with you, my peace I give into you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Just knowing that through everything I will face someone will be there when everyone has left me or cannot be there or don’t understand. This message really spoke to my heart and gave me hope to keep with me when I see an obstacle that I think I won’t be able to face, I know that I can because of God’s Grace. It is awesome to know that I am highly favored by God.

Rainbows

I had an God moment tonight as we celebrated my best friends birthday. We were swimming in the cool even air, the sunsetting and scattering light across the clouds that brought a much needed rain, I thought wow our God created all this in just 5 days. It never ceases to amazing me at what beauty he created just for us to enjoy. As I lay in a tube watching the sky, we saw a rainbow appear across the sky. It did not reach the ground but it is still amazing to see something that you cannot see all the time show up and out. This kind of reminds me of our lord, we know he is there, he can be seen in things and the beauty around us but not directly. To my a rainbow symbolizes not only his promise not to flood the earth but also his reminder to just remember that he is there even though some days you cannot see him....he is always there and he reveals himself at the right time...just like a rainbow does not come out till before or after the rain to show him promise. It is so amazing to me how something so small but yet so beauty can make an impact on a life. A rainbow is something everyone will see in their life and will always talk about when they do, to anyone. We as Christians and need to do this with our faith (myself included). We need to tell everyone about Christ like we tell everyone about rainbows. Wow, think about it, what an impact.

Rainbows are so pure and beautiful. They are filled with life and can bring dreams, even for adults. Just like in the Wizard of Oz, Somewhere over the Rainbow....such a beautiful song with so much meaning. A place were all dreams and all hopes come true. Our lord created amazing things such as rainbows, sunsets, sunrises, and rain....our Lord controls all creation. But as we swam, I thought, Wow, how great his love must have been for him to create all these beautiful and wonderful things for us to enjoy daily. Our God is amazing and loves us with an unended love. Oh how I love to sit in amazement of what he can do and has done in my life and everyone our me. :)

Sacred Singleness

I have recently started reading a book given to me by a dear friend called "Sacred Singleness". I struggle with loneliness daily. I see all my friends and people around me (especially younger) getting married and feel as if I am being watched and pressured to find my soul mate. Our world is so centered on finding the other person to make them complete, but as I read this book it makes it clear that Jesus Christ wants to be the center of my life and with him I should stand complete, lacking nothing. I believe this with my whole heart. Up until I started reading this book I prayed every night and every day that he would send me my husband, but this book has opened my eyes to see that I need to completely surround myself in Christ and when it is the right time he will send an earthly love like no other. Stepping out of all of my fleshly wants and into what Christ wants in my life is a huge step of faith. It is scary to let someone else have control of your life, but this is what I believe and know that I have to do this, so that I can have complete peace about being single. Recently, one of friends trying to get me and another friend to date and every time we hung out together as a group, things were awkward. I knew many things about him and it seemed he was everything I could ever want in someone. He continued to tell my friend he was not ready to start a relationship yet, but I still continue to hope and pray that the lord would change this young man's heart, soul and mind. But as I read this book and pray about it, the more I realize, the lord does not think I am ready to have a relationship right now. This time of singleness is to be a servant for him...to center my life in him completely. He has given me this time to grow in my ministry, knowledge, wisdom, and my daily walk. I continue to pray and want someone to share my life with but I want it to be at the time Christ has planned. Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end." I know that my Lord has an amazing plan for me and the he has written an earthly love story that will be amazing as it unfolds. I look forward to the day I can stand before Christ, my family, friends, and the church and know that my Lord created this other person and has molded me and them to fit perfectly together, to further his kingdom. I will continue to seek and pray but in a different way...not so much praying for the other person in my life but that as this other person is in this season of singleness that they too would be building Christ at the center of their life.

Ephesians 1:23- ...the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

"God has made us for Himself, and our hearts can never know rest and perfect satisfaction until they find it in Him." ~ Hannah Hurnard