Today Begins My Journey Back To Happiness

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade....but as I would say right now life is chasing me down a road throwing lemons violently, yelling make lemonade. At this point, I lay down and give up, but it still insist on just beating me until I or anyone else is able to recongnize who I am. I am so bruised and beaten from things happening to me. I just keep wondering when it is going to stop. I am begging for it to. I am just being tortured and humiliated by the way things keep happening. Today, I became a person I never thought I would be. I miss who I was a year and half ago before him. I want that girl back. I was so strong and independent and then he came along and I depended so much on him and it just broke me. I want to be me again. I want to smile, feel joy, love, happiness.....I don't want to be depressed about life thinking that there is no way out. I don't even know how to begin to pull myself up and make myself move....I am so hurt and in pain I just want to lay down and never get up. I thought letting him come back would be different....jokes on me. I want to find happiness and true love. I want to feel again and not be so numb and hard hearted towards everyone and everything. I want to have faith....most of all peace. So as of today I am doing what I can for me. I have never been a selfish person but today is the day I put my needs over everyone else and pick myself, and keep moving. Life will bring good things for me, just got to get back to a place were I am happy, smiling, and can love again. Today is a new day. I will get my happy ending.

Love is amazing but sometimes it Hurts

Love that is ture and pure, some people spend their whole life looking for it. Well I found it at the young age of 22. But for some reason this love has been temporarily put on hold, I guess I could say. This guy is so amazing and our love for each other is so true, pure, and everlasting that I know that I cannot just get over this. We have not been together for almost 2 months which seems like a lifetime. I miss him more everyday and my love for him has grown also. He says we need sometime because of things that have happened and I agree maybe this is best. But I keep thinking how long is this going to be. Its been almost 2 months, is it going be a few more weeks, a month, 3 months, a year. All I know is that I lay down every night praying that I can one day soon be back in his arms. I took so many of the little things for granite. We had 30 min. dinners twice a week which is usally the only time we saw each other and i complained that I wanted more and now I miss them and would do anything to have them back. I would do anything to go back in time and fix this somehow, so that I could have him back. Right now we have agreed not to talk and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I constantly think about him, what he is doing, if he is thinking about me, and when is he coming back. I am praying all the time that is would be by the end of the month. I need him in my life. Everything was happier and lighter when I had him. He was a strength that I needed. He was alot stronger than me and even though we were so different he is my other half. Right now he is so mean to me and this is not like him. When I try to speak to him he just ignores me and brushes off the fact that I love him. I don't think he loves me anymore. This hurts worse than anything Ive ever experienced before. To love someone who doesn't even want to care or love you back is the worst thing to feel. I'm trying to be strong and keep faith that he will love me again one day but today the faith and reality of that happening seems so small. I just keep praying for a soft spot to come into his heart for me that he will know that he does love me and does want to be with me. I miss him so much but yet all the feelings I have for him are not returned for some reason. I just want to feel normal with him again. It hurts to be without him...but he still doesn't care. He is fine without me and probably always will be. Me not so much. He completes me, he is my other half, and he has my heart.

I'm not perfect and they let me know

Mistakes are a HUGE part of my life. I know I am not perfect and I make a bunch of mistakes. But the older I get the more I have. I am trying to be strong and I am not as strong as I use to be. I feel today as if my world is crashing down. I have made a huge mistake and I feel awful and their is nothing I can say or do to make things better. I just want to disappear, go back and make this thing go away. I wish I could be someone else, then I might make less mistakes. I absolutely hate myself today. I don't even want to be breathing right now. That would be the point when the pain would stop and I would not feel anything. I want to be stronger with less feeling. I want him to know that I am so sorry, that I made a mistake saying and doing those things. I am not perfect. So I guess I will learn to change who I am to be the person I need to be for our relationship. It is like stuffing me into a box. It will take some work to get into it but I can do it. I will change everything about who I am so that he and we can be happy. It will take some time for me to get use to the idea but everything will be alright. I might hate myself even more but at least our relationship will be good and he will be happy. So here goes the transformation of ME to the girl who looks like me but a robot.

Letting Go

I'm letting go. I love this person so much and I know he loves me but I love more than him. I have loved with everything I have. Yet, I do not get much back. This is breaking me down. I feel like if I let go then I will let my future go but if I do not let go I get hurt and continue to lose myself. I just want to be loved. I never thought that was alot to ask. This man is a great one, any girl would be lucky to have him but maybe he is not mine to keep. Maybe he is just temporarily here for some reason. I want to spend my life with him and we have talked about it. I just do not see him wanting to make the commitment to be with me. I want him to be head over heels in love with me. But he is maybe too young for that. I am a complex person and he just does not listen or understand how I feel. I know he loves me and cares but I do not know if he loves me enough. So, maybe I will let go and see what happens. If he comes back to me then maybe this was meant to be. But letting go of this love that I have for him will break me completely. I made a mistake getting so attached but I just could not help but fall for this amazing guy. I guess I'm the one who has made the mistake of loving too much. So, I guess I will do the hardest thing I've ever done and let go and see what happens.